Doctor Television to the ER Please: A column by Gabriel Riviere

Have you heard of this smart TV technology? Mine is so smart that it knows how sick I am and prescribes medication during my favorite shows.
When I sneeze during the spring it tells me all about Claritin® for my allergies. In the fall I feel a bit down so I pop a few Abilify® tablets from Doctor Television for my social anxiety disorder. Once in a while I indulge myself with a spicy burrito and I get a bit of indigestion. So what is my miracle cure? I asked my television once again and in between my favorite shows I learned all about the wonders of Nexium®! It was nice of it to wait until a commercial break because I could not be bothered during the emotional roller coaster that is Grey’s Anatomy.
Sometimes the television talks extra fast and writes in tiny letters but I imagine that it’s because it wants to get as much information across without interrupting my show. I just want to feel better.
I am concerned that my allergies might carry over into the winter so I take my Claritin® every day and since it’s the fall season I definitely need some Abilify® so I can keep motivated with finals coming up. It’s almost the holiday season so I better start taking Nexium® on a regular basis so I can eat all that I want.
Now I am the pinnacle of health and well being thanks to Doctor Television. I don’t even need to go to my regular physician anymore. I can just call him up and tell him what my real doctor says! I would assume that Doctor Television makes a lot more money than mine and to the best of my knowledge has never been sued for malpractice.
I can also just order my miracle cures online as well so I never even have to leave the house! Looks like I will need a weight loss cure soon so let’s see what the good doctor has to say about that. Thank goodness there is a surgery for my needs and I only had to turn on the television to find out. Now I can go on with my life.
Wait. What’s going on here? I suddenly have a rash and have liquid coming from both of my ends as well as anxiety, indigestion and my stitches are infected! I thought I was healthy! I once again turn to you, Doctor Television, to cure my ailments. Cymbalta® for my blood pressure? Well, okay… but my blood pressure is only high because I am stressed out about my sudden bout of infirmity.
I wonder if I should stop taking my medications. Doctor Television what should I do? Pop a couple of Lunesta® and forget about it? I should sleep it off, I guess. Let me just check the side effects this time. Severe case of death may occur. Well, at least I won’t wake up groggy in the morning!

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